TAKE ME BACK TO THE DAYS BEFORE THE FIRE SCORCHED THE HILLSIDE, BEFORE EVERY SIMPLE MOMENT CONTENT WAS A THRILL RIDE. WHEN THE SUN WOULD KISS THE SWEET GRASS, ENDLESS FIELDS, I WASN’T ABLE TO COUNT THE MOMENTS LEFT UNTIL I’M SURELY TO DIE. BECAUSE WHEN YOU CAME ALONG I WAS QUITE UNPREPARED. ANYTIME, COULD I RUN? COULD I MOVE IF I DARED? NOW IN A DAZE, I’M A RABBIT IN THE SNARE. HERE IN A DAZE, I’M A RABBIT IN THE SNARE. MISREAD “ANTAGONIST”. IS THIS THE END OF A CATALYST? TWIST IN THE PLOT, NEVER THOUGHT I’D END UP SO AVERAGE, TO BE THE ONE THAT GETS CAUGHT. COLD STRANDED ANALYSTS TAKE APART MY YOUNGER YEARS. SPLINTERED LIMBS THAT ACHE FROM ALWAYS RUNNING. NO ONE EVER SAID “THANK YOU”. NO ONE EVER SAID “I NEED YOU”. NO ONE EVER SHARED MY CONFIDENCE IN FATE LIKE WE DO. BUT WHEN THIS HILLSIDE BEGAN TO BURN IT ALL CHANGED. WE HAD A FAMILY TO SEE TO. TAKE MY MIND. TAKE MY LIFE. I’D TRADE IT ALL FOR ANOTHER MEMORY TO CLING TO, AND ANOTHER MORNING, FRESH WITH SPRING DEW. IT GATHERS ON MY EYELIDS WHILE I’M DREAMING OF YOU. LEAVING THIS EARTH THE SAME WAY I WOKE UP, SPEAKING INDIFFERENTLY. FEIGNED THE PART I WAS SUPPOSED TO. CLOSE TO DREAMS THAT I NEVER CHOSE TO CHASE. LOST THE RACE, IT’S NOT FINE. AWAITING MY FATE ON THIS HILLSIDE. SEEMS I’VE LOST TOUCH WITH WHO I USED TO BE. AND MY OLD SELF HASN’T BEEN QUITE USED TO ME. HOW MANY SUNS AWAY UNTIL IT’S TIME? AND IF I REACH THE DIVINE? WELL... THAT WOULD BE NEWS TO ME.

IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME ALONE, SO YOUR COMPANIONSHIP FEELS LIKE HOME TO ME. INFATUATED WITH YOUR GLIMMER, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY YOU’VE GROWN ON ME, OR OVER ME. ABOVE ME, LOVELY, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, I FEEL UGLY, BUT CONTENT KNOWING I HAVE YOU AND CAN GRASP YOU, EVEN IF I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU. SO I MAKE THE MOST OF IT BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF MAKING THE LEAST OF IT. EVEN THOUGH YOUR LEAVES CAN GET A BIT TIGHT NOW I’M LEARNING TO SEE MYSELF ALWAYS WITH YOU. AND AS THE SEASONS GET COLDER LATELY IT’S NO LONGER AN ISSUE. YOU EMBRACE ME. YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONE YET, BUT I MISS YOU. COULD YOU SAVE ME? I FOUND YOU DARKER THAN THE SKY ABOVE, BUT BRIGHTER THAN WHAT MY LOVE COULD SHINE THROUGH. AND YOU’RE LEAVING ME ALONE, AFTER KISSING ME BLINDLY, AFTER HOLDING ME TIGHTLY. AND WHEN YOUR BEAUTY FADED OUT, WHAT WAS LEFT TO CHOKE ME OUT HERE BUT THIS WINDING IVY? AND WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS YOU’LL COME BACK TO ME, WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND MY WASTED BODY, KISS THE BACK OF MY SUNBURNT SHOULDER. WHILE YOU GREW STRONGER I JUST GREW OLDER. SO YOU’LL WHISPER YOU’RE SORRY, AND YOU MISSED ME DARLING. AND I’LL LET YOU BE. I LET YOUR LOVE LAY OVER ME.

THE COLDEST DAY OF MY LIFE GAVE WAY TO THE NIGHT, SLOWING MY MIND AS MY BODY SHAKES. I STEP OFF OF THE CURB, FEEL THE BITTER COLD WORLD, AND LONG FOR THE SUN OF A SUMMER DAY. YOU’RE RETURNING I KNOW, BUT I STILL FEEL AS THOUGH THIS MORNING-WHITE SNOW HAS BEEN TURNING GREY. AS THE NIGHT LAY SILENT, I’M DREAMING OF WARMER DAYS. IN MY HEAD YOU AND I, IN THE COLD INTERTWINED, ENOUGH TO KEEP OUR BODIES FROM TREMBLING. WITH THE TOUCH OF YOUR LIPS, AND THE TASTE OF YOUR KISS WARMING MY TONGUE JUST LIKE CINNAMON. THERE’S A FIRE IN YOUR EYES, AND A GRACE IN YOUR SMILE ERASING THE STING OF OUR FORMER WAYS. BUT AS THE NIGHT LAY SILENT, I’M DREAMING OF WARMER DAYS. IF YOU’RE LOST, I’LL BE AROUND FOR YOU, LOOKING FOR YOU. AND IF YOU’RE ALL ALONE, I’LL BE AROUND FOR YOU, WAITING FOR YOU. I’D SELL MY SOUL TO TASTE YOUR BEAUTY BASED ON THE TRUTH, LOOSELY. USED UP MY LOOSE LEAF. LEAVES THE AUTUMN BRING LEAVE ME TRULY INSATIABLE. IN THIS HAUNTING FROSTBITE, WHATEVER THE COST MIGHT BE, CAUGHT BY YOUR CONVERSATION. WHISPER IN MY EAR, LIPS A LITTLE CLOSER SO I CAN FEEL YOUR BREATH. WHEN THE PALE DAY BREAKS, THE ICY SKY BURNS OUT, DARKNESS FLOWS OVER OUR BODIES. AND EVEN IF THINGS DON’T WORK OUT, LIKE WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE TO KISS YOU BUT RUINED IT. ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS… I WIN. I’M UNDOING YOUR DRESS. THE WARMTH IN YOUR EYES CAN END THIS WINTER.

I STILL FEEL YOU BREATHING ON MY NECK. I CAN FEEL YOU WAKING ON MY SHOULDER. THERE’S A FEAR IN THE SILENCE. THERE’S A WAR IN THE QUIET. I’VE BEEN TOSSING AND TURNING. I’VE BEEN SHAKING AND MOVING. WE WERE FAILING AND LEARNING, UNAWARE THAT I WAS LOSING YOU NOW. I’M LOSING YOU NOW. I CAN HEAR YOUR LAUGHTER ON THE WIND. IT BREAKS THROUGH THE DARKNESS WHEN I CANNOT CARRY ON. THERE’S A PAIN IN THAT ECHO AS IT FADES INTO THE SILENCE EVERY TIME.

VIOLET KALEIDOSCOPE. CLOSED, THEN EYELIDS OPEN AGAIN TO SEE LEAVES PUSHED BY THE WIND. IT’S COLD. MY BREATH IN THE AIR. UP THE STAIRS TO UPSTAIRS WHERE WE LIVE. I CAN SEE PAST OUR BRICKS TO OTHER BRICK BUILDINGS. I’D LIKE TO GRAB MY MARKER AND DRAW. LOOK TO MY PA. HE SMILES THROUGH HIS BEARD. I TUG AT IT. HE HANDS ME A GREEN ONE, PUTS A PIECE OF PAPER UP, A PAINTING OF HIS HANGING ABOVE WHAT I’M DRAWING. IT’S SO COLORFUL. I’M STANDING IN HIS SHADOW. I SCRIBBLE. MY MOM LAUGHS. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING GREAT. TIME FOR A BREAK. I LOWER MY HEAD, FALL ASLEEP WITH THEM IN MY PERIPHERY. HE WAKES UP WITH THE KGB KNOCKING AT HIS DOOR FOR THE PIECES HE PAINTED AND EXHIBITED THE WEEK BEFORE. HE’S HIDING ARTWORK UNDER HIS FLOOR AGAIN. RUMORS ABOUT THAT CIRCULATED BACK TO THIS PARTICULAR OFFICER. HE’S HERE TO PUT AN END TO IT. LOCK MY FATHER AWAY WITH THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS IN THE MOVEMENT. LIFE ON THE LINE JUST TO PROVE THAT THE PEOPLE STILL HAVE A RIGHT. WOULD I HAVE THAT KIND OF COURAGE LATER DOWN THE LINE WHEN I’M ALIVE? HARD NOT TO BE A CONSPIRACY THEORIST AFTER ALL YOUR FRIENDS HAVE DIED UNDER A SUBWAY TRAIN, OR IN AN APARTMENT FIRE, BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT YOU BELIEVED IN AND DECIDED TO WRITE. PUT A BRUSH TO THE CANVAS AND ASPIRE TO FLY. HANDCUFFS ON, EYES CLOSED, HOW COULD HE SURVIVE THIS LIFE? I OPEN MY EYES. BEEN SOME TIME SINCE HE LEFT. AND EVEN THOUGH HE BROUGHT OUR FAMILY TO THE U.S. WHERE I’M FREE TO EXPRESS MYSELF, BUT STILL A SLAVE TO DEBT, REPEATEDLY MAKING ART FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S FINANCIAL BENEFIT. CATALOGUING HIS WORKS WHILE LISTENING TO MY CATALOGUE OF WORDS. REFLECTING. WONDERING WHETHER MY PASSION IS DWARFED. AM I STILL IN HIS SHADOW? OR HAVE I ECLIPSED IT? IS THE LIGHT INSIDE BRIGHT ENOUGH? IS IT WORTH FIXING? AND WHO REALLY MAKES THEIR OWN DECISIONS? AM I AN ARTIST BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE, OR DID HE GIVE ME THAT AMBITION? THAT WAS SUPPORTED BY MY MOM AND SISTER, THAT WAS TOSSED INTO THE SYSTEM, BUT BRED BY THE RESISTANCE. THAT’S AN INTERESTING MIX THEN, PUTTING A PRICE ON MY PASSION SO I CAN ENJOY LIVING. BUT IT’S CATCHING UP. STARING AT A SCREEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH. NOW I’M GOING THROUGH SHED AFTER SHED OF HIS PAINTINGS, STACKED UP. I SEE THE SIGNS. WHAT WOULD HE HAVE DONE? I’M TRYING TO ADD IT UP.

AWKWARD AND SENSUAL, A DRUNK INTELLECTUAL, I ATE YOUR SHADOW FOR BREAKFAST, NOW IT WONT LET ME GO. SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS REMEMBER ME, WHEN I HELPED YOU LAY THE BRICKS. MASON, TENDING SHEEP. I’M JUST ANOTHER BLURRY FACE IN THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE'S HOME VIDEO, AND AS FAR AS PITY GOES, I CALL THIS CITY HOME IN VAIN. EVERY PROMISE I BROKE ALONG THE WAY, ASHAMED AND LIVING LONG. CLOSED NARCISSISTIC TEXTBOOK FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS, BUT STILL LEFT SHOOK BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING LEFT IN THIS TOWN. SPIT AT MY REFLECTION BECAUSE I LET YOU ALL DOWN. MAYBE I SEARCHED FOR SOMETHING I COULD NEVER FIND. NOW I THINK EVERY MOMENT HOW I’VE WASTED ALL MY TIME (NOW THERE’S NOTHING HERE SO I LEFT IT ALL BEHIND). I’M SCREAMING OUT “DON’T LET ME DOWN”. I’VE GOT A SOUR GRAPE SYNDROME THAT DESERVES ITS OWN ATTENDANT WITH A SMILEY FACE AND A SILVER PENDANT. I PENNED IT, BUT I FORGOT LOGIC IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE TAXI. NOW I’M STRANDED ON EARTH FIGHTING THE WAVES OF THE BLACK SEA. I HAD A CRAVING TO CRAVE. I LIVE IN MY OWN LIGHT, BUT IN THIS LABYRINTH MAZE, A WRONG SHARED IS HALF RIGHT. NOW I’M BAKED OUT OF COLORS AND PASTED NOTES. I AWAKE TO THE MOTHER OF MY WASTED HOPE. HOPE MY BRAIN CAN COPE WITH ANOTHER PAINFUL STROKE OF A BRUSH WITH PAINT THAT FLOWS SO DEEP WITH THE VEINS THAT I’M DOSED. FUMBLING OVER THE MEMORIES MAYBE SO CLOSE THEY LINGER, LOST IN THE CALM OF THE WINTER, MARKED BY TASTELESS JOKES. WAS A PATIENT BLOKE, BUT MY PATIENCE BROKE. NOW I’M DRAPED IN THE FOAM OF SALTY SEAS WITH WAVES THAT CHOKE. THIS DAMN DISEASE I KNOW, IT MAKES ME DREAM OF BETTER HISTORIES GLITTERING WITH GLEAMING GOLD. I WISH I COULD TAKE IT ALL BACK, EVERY MISTAKE, EVERY THOUGHT THAT I EVER HAD, ERASED AND GONE WITH THE MORNING FOG IN A FLASH. BUT IT’S NEVER EASY AS THAT. WHEN DREAMS ARE DEFEATED AND DRAGGED TO THE GROUND I’LL SCREAM TO THE CLOUDS NOW “NOTHING LASTS”.

LOOK AT MY FACE, DOES IT STILL LOOK THE SAME? YOU SHOULD KNOW. YOU USED TO FEEL IT EVERY DAY. I'M DEFEATED, BECAUSE TIME HAS ERODED AND THE THINGS THAT I'VE CHOSEN TO REMEMBER ARE OVER. BUT IT'S WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, SAND AT THE EDGE OF THE OCEAN. I STAND ALONE HOPING STILL BUT FLOATING. MUST FEEL BETTER. HOW DO YOU DO IT? HOW HAVE YOU DONE IT IN THE PAST? I USED TO LAUGH AT YOU BUT NOW YOUR WINGS ARE LAUGHING RIGHT BACK. CAN'T GRASP YOU. CAN'T ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER. BECAUSE YOU ALREADY PLANTED THE SEEDS FOR WINTER. IT'LL BE BACK AGAIN TO SAFELY INUNDATE ME, BLATANTLY PAINTING, MAYBE ON DREAM CHASING, HATING ME UNTIL THE KING HIMSELF COME AROUND PAYING ME... RIGHT. DELUSIONS OF JUSTICE OR KARMA COMING THROUGH FOR ME. ARM IN ARM, YOU AND ME, I’D KILL MYSELF FOR THAT, FOR HAPPENSTANCE, OR FOR OUR HALF ROMANCE TO AT LEAST COME TO A FULL FINISH. WHAT'S THERE TO DO BUT LAUGH? BUT I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I FORGOT TO DO THAT. WHEN THE SUN’S OUT I HATE YOU, BUT BY MOONLIGHT I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU. EVERY NIGHT IS A STRUGGLE. WHEN I WAS WITH YOU, I FORGOT WHO I WAS AND THINGS MADE SENSE. NOW MY TIME IS SPENT ENGAGED IN PREEMPTIVE DEFENSE. BUILDING A FENCE AROUND THE CLOUD THAT HANGS OVER MY HEAD BECAUSE MY JOY IS SHATTERED GLASS AND MY LAUGH IS PRETEND. SO PRETEND YOU NEVER MET ME. WISH I COULD DO THE SAME. BECAUSE I SOLD TOMORROW SHORT FOR A NEW TODAY. I FELL PAST THE TREE LINE, PAST THE STREET, AND UNDER THE SUBWAY, MY PAST REPEATS. MY LAST REPRIEVE IS THE GRIEF THAT FIGHTS ON. ROCK BOTTOM, LIMESTONE, SPOTLIGHT, I AM ALONE. READY TO SPEAK BUT MY WORDS LOST THEIR PURITY. INVISIBLE DISEASE THAT IS NOW BLURRING THE LINE BETWEEN REAL AND FAKE. I FELT SAFE WHEN I WAS WITH YOU. YOU’D LIGHT UP AND LAUGH WHEN I KISSED YOU. IT SEEMS HAPPINESS IS AN ILLUSION, AND YOU'VE MASTERED IT. I CAN TELL. IT SHOWS UP IN EVERY PHOTOGRAPH THAT I HAVE PLASTERED UP ON MY WALL, SUBTRACTED, BACK FROM WHEN YOU STILL LOVED ME, PAST TENSE. AND IF I FAILED AT LIFE BUT MADE YOU SMILE IT WAS WORTH IT. HYPNOTIZED ON THE SURFACE LEVEL BUT A KISS FROM YOUR LIPS IS WORTHLESS. HELLO. WISH I COULD TAKE IT BACK. I'M SORRY. DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU LAUGH.

YES YOU THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS. THEY SAYING OUR LOVE NOT CLEAN. WE GONNA RISE ABOVE THESE THINGS. I’M LOVING OUR COLOR SCHEME. ALL MY DREAMS ARE BLACK AND WHITE PREVIEWS OF THE AFTERLIFE. GRIM REAPER TRYING TO GRAB MY LIFE, BUT I’M WALKING RIGHT PAST THAT LIGHT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU SEE IN ME. I DON’T KNOW I’M JUST BEING ME. SAY “I LOVE YOU” FREQUENTLY. PARTNER IN CRIME, P IN C. YOU TUNED TO MY FREQUENCY. GOT YOUR BOY ALL WEAK IN THE KNEE. ALWAYS BRINGING OUT THE FREAK IN ME, HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEAK TO ME. PAGE BY PAGE, I WROTE THE STORY OF YOUR HEART. DAY BY DAY, YOU PLAYED THE LEAD ROLE. AND I KNEW THE END FROM THE START, AND I WAS IN COMPLETE CONTROL. I FELT YOU FALL IN LOVE, AND FALL BACK OUT, SYNCHRONIZED AS I’D WALK AWAY AND TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND. IT’S NOT A MATTER OF LOVE. IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME. IT’S NOT A MATTER OF LOVE. BUT IS THIS YOUR DREAM OR MINE? WHILE YOU SLEEP, I’M OPENING YOUR DOOR. I’M WALKING ACROSS YOUR CARPET. I’M SITTING BY YOUR BEDSIDE RIGHT NOW TO SEE IF I CAN TOUCH YOUR HAIR A WHILE, IF I COULD MAKE YOU STARE RIGHT BACK RIGHT NOW, YOU’D SEE THROUGH ME. I’M SPEEDING UP YOUR HEART FROM RIGHT INSIDE YOUR SOUL. JUST LAY BACK NOW. DON’T YOU KNOW I’M BENDING YOUR SPACE? I’M TURNING BACK TIME. BUT IS THIS YOUR DREAM OR MINE? PENDULUM SWINGS, SOAKED IN WHAT THIS MEDICINE BRINGS. HOPE IS A DENIZEN'S DREAM. CUT ROPE AND ENEMIES SINK. BUT WHAT IF THAT'S ME IN THE MIRROR? ANOTHER COLD DAY, LOST TOUCH WITH THE DREAMER. TOUCH THE SCENERY. IT’S EATING ME ALIVE. PITFALLS, EACH ONE SEEMS WORSE THAN THE LAST. REVERSING THE PAST, I KEEP FALLING DEEP UNTIL IT’S FULL CIRCLE WHEN I LAUGH. I ONLY SAW THE BEST IN YOU. NOW IN MY MIND I’M UNDRESSING YOU, CARESSING YOU, WHATEVER’S LEFT OF YOU, UNTIL I COME TO REST WITH YOU. I SEE THIS AND MORE, BUT IS THIS MY DREAM OR YOURS?

I NEED YOUR LOVE. I NEED YOUR TOUCH. IT ISN’T ENOUGH TO FIGHT WHAT I’M FEELING. HAVE I LOST IT ALL, FEELING YOUR NOTHING? JUST WASTING ANOTHER MOMENT HERE WITHOUT YOUR TOUCH. WELL THIS IS NOT HOW I PICTURED IT, NOT HOW I THOUGHT WE WOULD END UP HERE. FROM THE DAYS WHEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE INTRICATE SILHOUETTES IN THE DARK WITH A TOUCH OF FEAR. SAID YOU WERE TO HURT FOR IT, THE UP AND DOWN THAT LEFT US HERE. HARD TO FAULT SOMEONE FOR IT, THE RISING WAVES THAT SWEPT US HERE. I FALL IN YOUR LAUGHTER NOW. I SINK LIKE AN ANCHOR DOWN. THE RISING WAVES THAT SWEPT US HERE. JUST SAY WHAT YOU LOVE IN ME. IT WOULD ECHO ETERNALLY. FIRST TIME WE SHOOK HANDS WE WERE STRANGERS LIKE PASSERSBY, BUT HEARTS STAYED HERE. AT THE TRAIN STATION, IN THE MARKET, AT THE CINEMA, YOU’RE WITH ME LIKE YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN. WELL, I WONDER WHAT IT’D BE LIKE TO FIRST MEET YOU AGAIN, FEEL YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME, HAVE YOU TO MYSELF DURING A LONG DRIVE, FAR BACK BOOTH, REACHING FOR THE SAME GLASS OF WATER AT THE SAME TIME. WHAT IF I COULD FAST-FORWARD TO THE WARMTH OF WHEREVER YOU’RE LAYING NOW? TOGETHER IN THE DARKNESS. WE’LL FORGET ABOUT THE WORLD OUTSIDE OUR DOOR.

YOU STARTED LIFE IN THE GOLDEN SUN, MADE A FOOL OF EVERYONE, BUILT A SHELTER INSIDE MY HEART, RAN AWAY WHEN YOUR FAITH WAS GONE. BUT YOU NEVER CHANGED IN THE WORLD I SEE, ONLY MADE A FOOL OF LOVE WITH ME. TAKE IT ON THE CHIN AGIAN, ONE DAY THEY’LL SEE. WITH EACH THREAD YOU’RE PULLING OUT, YOU’RE STANDING STILL SOMEHOW. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE ROPE TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER NOW. I FOUND YOU IN THE GUTTER, STREET CORNER, IN MY BOOK AS LOVER (SEE: FORMER). SO IT’S APPROPRIATE THAT I LEAVE YOU FOR THE CORONER. SMOKING DOPE AGAIN BUT I’M ADORING THE WAY YOUR TEETH GRILL. CHEAP THRILLS LEFT THEIR MARK, NO DOUBT, BUT THIS IS WHAT I’M ABOUT, SEEING YOU SUFFER, WASHING OUT YOUR MOUTH. BLASPHEMY. MI CASA, MI CASA. YOU’RE ASKING ME NICELY NOW BUT I STILL SAY “NO”. CALL YOURSELF A LADY, BUT I STILL SAY, “AMERICAN SHIT STAIN WITH AN ARROGANCE-KISSED BRAIN”. MAN ON THE MOON, VIDEO, STEREO, DIAMONDS TOO. WHAT’S A GUY TO DO WHEN I OWE GOD MY WHOLE LIFE TO YOU? WROTE IT OUT, EVEN TYPED IT TOO, JUST TO MAKE SURE I DIDN’T SOUND LIKE YOU. NO FIRE, NO LIGHT. NO LIGHT, NO FIRE. BACKSEAT DRIVER, I SAID I KNEW WHERE WE’RE GOING. I’M A LIAR.